I am not going to 'share' this post online in the hope that the people who end up finding it are those who need to read it or will feel supported once having heard my journey.
Very personal post incoming... This is our weaning journey...
So the time has come, or so I thought, to bring our breastfeeding journey to an end. Kaia is 16 and a half months old.
I don't know why it felt like the right time, or that it (should?) be the right time. There were so many things going through my mind. Kaia was now much more aware of my boobs and asking for them, I kept thinking about how much 'harder' it might be if I left it much longer or if that was even a thing I needed to be thinking about. Kaia eats everything and has a well-balanced diet, so she doesn't NEED it anymore I kept telling myself. Why am I telling myself this? Am I trying to convince myself to stop? I kept asking, why do you want to stop? Why don't you want to stop? Emotions were running high, really high.
I thought maybe I wanted my body back, my boobs back, to not NEED to be there every night to feed. Then I thought you don't need to as it is, you choose to, because you want to and whether or not your feeding that wont change. As soon as I thought about actually stopping I instantly felt sad and like I wasn't ready to let it go. I love being able to feed her, I love the connection that we share, I love the pureness that is motherhood and this whole journey.
To me she was still just a baby, my first baby and maybe my only, but to the rest of the world she was now a toddler and she was still 'on the boob'.
I kind of knew tthe end was coming but had held onto it for a while, finding excuses here and there as to why I was still feeding. Occasionally people ask, I don't know what societies expectation is but I assumed people would think I should have stopped by now and that made me anxious especially if anyone saw me feeding her.
Initially it was the flying, she has become such a good independent sleeper in her cot that she virtually will not sleep anywhere else. We were flying frequently with our travels, every month or so and it was much easier to chuck her on the boob on the flight for a nap. But then we came to Turkiye and knew we would be here for 3 months so it felt like the 'right' time to stop.
Then the question of whether or not to replace with milk started weighing my brain down. The more I looked into fresh milk in Turkiye the more I realised it didn't really exist, especially in our little suburban neighborhood. We brought a bottle of what looked like milk from the supermarket (Ayam) but as soon as we saw how thick it was we knew it wasn't milk. It's a local drink that's very common, a mix of yogurt salt and water. Ugh. No way was I replacing breast milk with that.
I learned the Turkish word for milk was 'Sut' and kept looking. There was long-life milk everywhere but I had placed enough pressure on myself about the whole thing that I decided in my head it had to be fresh milk. Some googling led me to believe that long life was just as good as fresh milk so I picked up a couple of little ones and pushed on from there.
Over time we had slowed down to just one feed per day (before bed) so I thought I could just drop that last feed. I don't know why I thought I could drop it overnight and it would all be fine but I tried anyway.
The night before I knew I was dropping it I was a mess. I did not think I would be so emotional on that "one last feed" but I was. I felt like the worst mum in the world, had a shocking sleep, awful nightmares and the day that followed was emotional torture. In the morning I could barely speak and Jacob couldn't look at me without me bursting into tears. Kaia was confused, Jacob trying his best to understand but really having no idea how I was feeling. It was awful.
I managed to pull it together and decided to push on and not feed her that night. We offered her the little long-life juice box of 'Sut' and she woofed it back. I was broken all over again watching her drink it instead of nursing her myself and burst into tears. An absolute emotional overload that I was not prepared for. I felt like she no longer needed me, that I was useless, had nothing to contribute anymore, all of the things and all at once. I knew these were irrational feelings and I knew it at the time but I still had to feel them, to let them pass thrugh me and I could not control it.
Trying to go 'cold turkey' didn't work. ironic huh considering we are in Turkiye? By the second morning my boobs were swollen, sore and warm to touch. Great I told myself, let's just add insult to injury while we are at it. The last thing I needed while in a foreign country was to get mastitis.
I fed her and then mentally reassessed where we were at and what would be best for everyone as a family moving forward. I decided to just feed her every second day for a while then slow from there. I don't know why this didn't make more sense at the start but I think the thought of stopping became so overwhelming I just wanted it to be over with when in reality that was never going to work.
We are about 2 weeks in now and so far so good, I managed to work through some dark thoughts mentally and we are currently at one feed every 4 days. I intend to keep pushing it out and that become no feeds in the coming weeks. I have on occasion managed to find some fresh milk but offer long life if I can't find any. I make sure she's getting some cheese and a bowl of yogurt daily and try to remain strong and confident in the process. This is where I am at and how I am processing and coping with the transition.
I still feel sad watching her drink the 'other milks' and emotional when she points at my boob first thing in the morning and says 'ber' or tries to latch on in the shower but trying to understand and truly believe that all good things must come to an end and instead of being sad about this chapter coming to a close be grateful for our feeding journey over the last 16 months and excited for the next developmental milestones to come.
If this is something that you're currently navigating, know I feel you and I have been there too. Your emotions are valid, feel them then smile for the journey you've had and smile for the new memories that are to come.
Til next time,
R
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